Codependency

The most painful thing in my life has been the actual thing that I needed. Life is funny how it works that way sometimes.

When Jed and I were thinking about splitting up, he brought up the fact that we had a codependent relationship. I would describe codependence as needing love but trying to meet it through someone or something else instead of yourself or God. I was so mad that he would say that because I prided myself on not needing anything or being able to do things myself. It has taken me 2 years of being single to admit 100% that I was a codependent person because that meant admitting that I "needed" something and couldn't figure out what it was. And it made me unlovable, obviously, because my person didn't want to be married to me anymore.. the person that was technically supposed to love me the most.

To be honest, it was a hard pill to swallow when people would tell me I was worthy and okay how I was because why could everyone else say that or see that, but my own husband couldn't? I can't blame him for not wanting to be married because I honestly didn't even want to be with myself. I was the complete opposite of who I really am in so many ways, and had lost my essence.

I realize now that maybe he did love me the most because he has given me a gift I couldn't have gotten anywhere else - the opportunity to figure out how to be whole. Nothing could have shook me like divorce did, in the way that it happened. Like, I think we may have made a soul contract before we came here that he would help me realize who I was, even if that meant he would want to leave and I would feel abandoned, rejected, and alone. Knowing what I know now, I think I begged him to do it. I assured him I would be fine even though it would be hard. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel it so deep in my soul that it can't be wrong. Yes that meant getting divorced, yes that meant doing a "relationship cleanse" - that painful & bitter drink that cleansed my need for him right out of me. We, the two people who tried the most not to hurt each other, hurt each other the very most.

Don't get me wrong, I believe we as humans need each other. And I believe there is a line where it's too much. I didn't want to be insecure, I wanted to be confident, but I didn't know any other way of doing relationships. I learned somewhere in my life, that "love" meant "need". As in, when I am not receiving love and validation from you, I am empty. I expected love, validation, comfort, the other half of me, etc. from someone that it wasn't fair to ask that from. It wasn't his job, it was mine. And I was doing a sucky job at it btw. Not because I wasn't trying, but I wasn't looking in the right place.

Step 1 was to recognize that this love I was seeking was a true and valid need. Step 2 was to find out how to get that need met. I looked within my own mind, in self care practices such as self compassion, eating clean, meditation, exercise, education, in relationships with other people, in trying to be fulfilled in motherhood, etc. I looked my whole life and always came up not quite reaching it - this something I was looking for. It has been so frustrating and full of so much pain and shame.

My heart is pumping so fast right now, but only because I am so thankful to be on the other side of this. I can see clearly now that Heavenly Father plucked me right out of a situation that I thought was good. Very good, in fact. But He knew it could be better if I could see who I was without the validation from someone else. He basically said, "I will give you what you are looking for. But only I can do that." I can't tell anyone how it feels to be where I have been because my experience will be different than someone else's. I can't describe how much better life is. It's like trying to explain what salt tastes like if someone has never tasted it. It's something that I had to hope for until it was experienced. I wish I could infuse into anyone else that feels this way, a little taste of how just buckling down and admitting codependence so you can figure out a way through it, will be the best thing to happen to you. Because the relationship I have with myself, and with my Heavenly Father is top priority. No other relationships can be healthy without this basic and essential relationship.

But I am here, sitting with a full heart that used to be empty, a mended relationship with Heavenly Father and myself that used to be so confusing, and a resilient spirit that used to be broken.

Codependence has been my journey looking for a truth that I mattered. It had to come from the one who created me. I looked everywhere else. And I had to ask Him who I was and how He felt about me. The world teaches that we have to find our worth within ourselves. I would go a step further and say I had to find it through the grace of God, which I am a recipient of. Codependence has been my demanding and persistent teacher that took me places I didn't want to go. Places I didn't even knew existed. It has taught me that there is no shame in not feeling loved or having a void. It doesn't mean I did something wrong. But also, it has been my experience that the way to get that necessary need met was only through God's love. He wants me to know who I am. He wants me to feel whole and loved. It has taken effort. So much effort. Lots of questions in prayer, pondering, scripture and soul searching, and more honesty than I ever thought I could offer. I have worked so hard and suffered so much. But I have learned that what made this mighty change possible was because of the suffering of Jesus Christ. It says in step 7 of the addiction recovery program that "Even as you feel the pains of your own rebirth, remember that His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a humble reminder of His “great and last sacrifice” on your behalf (Alma 34:14)."

My suffering did not change me, His did.

I gave up trying to control my life. I gave up trying to prove my worth. I gave up the search for meaning. And I gave up the picture of "fairness" and what my life was supposed to look like and gained instead, a peace and surety that God is in charge. I trust Him, I love Him, and He has blessed me more than I ever thought was possible. It would have been easier to blame everything on Jed. But God knew how my heart needed to change. It's a beautiful thing now to say "I need love and I know where to get it." God is my caretaker and where I receive my love and validation. Every other relationship and feeling of love is an extension of His love.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I have spent the past 2 months preparing for being re-baptized Saturday. I prayerfully selected the speakers and musical numbers, and every word and note brought the Spirit into that meeting so strongly. I am forever grateful for the wonderful friends and family I get to experience life with. Having so many loved ones in the same room at the same time was something I never wanted to end. So many people came from near and far away, and I can't thank them enough. Y'all have been so generous.

I am ready for the continuation of my life but definitely feel like it's a new beginning. I am so thankful for the opportunity to learn more about Jesus Christ and His role in my life. I felt a very strong connection to people that have passed away in this life, and it was mentioned several times throughout the night.

Sometimes I find myself at a loss of words for the blessing of joy and happiness I feel. I have never thought that once I was baptized that life would be easy. But man, it feels so good.

In 2009, I started having questions about certain practices of the LDS church. It wasn't the first time I had questions, but this was the time I decided to figure out the answers even though I was scared. It has been many back and forth feelings as I wrestled with these questions. Specifically, Joseph Smith and polygamy, the temple ordinances, the stance on homosexuality, women and the priesthood… the usual questions people have.

I remember the heartbreak and confusion I felt questioning these things because I loved the gospel. It was my foundation. I loved my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. But I also really felt that Heavenly Father would have been proud of me trying to figure these things out, and many times I felt okay.

I'm not going to say it was divinely led, but it could have been if I would have tackled it in a different way. But I came to a point where I did not include Heavenly Father in my life, in my big decisions, in my marriage, in my parenting. And I missed out. I missed out on feeling that divine love and on serving others because I was so prideful. Even though I have had experiences that have been defining moments to me, I will never know what my life could have been all these years trusting in God’s plan and handing my life over to him.

The details are what took me away but the essence of the gospel, Christ’s love, is what has brought me back.

I decided when someone asked me to come back to church, that it was time I focus on the essentials. I'm not saying I don't have questions still, or that I don't feel absolutely torn with some things, but the difference I have felt in the past six months in my life, is literally night and day. I feel love, hope, and direction. Because of Jesus Christ, I have new moments, new days, new chances...My heart and relationships have been healed. My prayers have been constant, and answered. And my struggles have been made lighter. The things that I have learned about myself throughout all of this have added depth to my life, and helped me become firm where I have been shaky.

I just feel thankful every day that I haven't been forgotten. Everything I have ever wanted from someone else has been fulfilled through my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I have wanted acceptance, validation, to show and offer love, to be needed, and to know I'm worthy of love from someone else, it was never satisfied. Because that was an inside job, but it was not an inside job that I did alone. Every relationship that needed "fixing", did not happen through that person. It happened through God, and the effects trickled down and made relationships right again.

I have compassion and respect for others on their own path whatever that may be, and I don’t think that this path of being a member of the church is for everyone. It's taken me a long time to reconcile it being right for me but maybe not someone else. But I know it is for me. All I've ever wanted was to feel comfortable in who I am, but the more I tried to figure that out away from the gospel, the more disconnected I was from myself. All of the paths I have taken have converged into one solid road, and I am back home; safe in His love.

Poem

When I say “These people aren’t perfect”, God says “Here, why don’t you try it on for size?”

When I say, “I don’t believe you love me”, he says “How far do you want to fall before you do?”

When I say “Please help me,” he whispers “Help others.”

When I say, “Fix this.” He says, “I already did.”

Recovery

I'm leveling up tonight. I can't decide of it is social suicide, or if it is a deeper connection with others -- Please scroll along if you have no interest or strong judgments in mental illness, addiction, or eating disorder recovery. Carry on 🙂

I'm just here to share my message, I'm not looking for praise, flattery, pity, or advice. I just want to judge a bit less judgier, understand a bit more, and show a bit more compassion to those who struggle so everyone can feel more comfortable being seen by the world instead of hiding.

I have struggled with body image issues and disordered eating since I was very young. There have been times that I haven't really even thought about it, and there have been days like today, that have almost completely paralyzed me emotionally. I have lived for the past while thinking that I am a weakling if I need to reach out to someone for help, but today I wanted to call anyone and just beg them to save me from myself. It is such a desperate feeling, to know the darkness that could take over. I have tried many things to learn how to have a healthy relationship with my body and food. I have participated in workshops, attended counseling, met with dietitians, read oodles of books and articles, and have learned many tools and come to understand things very differently, such as: your bad body thoughts are really never about your body. They are usually about feeling ambivalent about something else in your life.

My most recent attempt to rid myself of this has been to attend the ARP meetings through the LDS church. This has by far been what has linked everything else I have learned together, and been a true source of strength and connection. It has changed my life in ways nothing else ever could. It has healed parts of me and relationships that I have that I didn't think possible. I have learned to say "I need... " and "Please help me", and "I'm struggling" instead of, "I'm fine." Writing this almost makes me dry heave, but guys it's true. We are here for each other. We aren't here to be self isolating superheroes. It doesn't mean I always feel this way or that I am going around begging people for help. It means, I know my limits. And I know when I need to connect. I feel like God is helping me connect my logic with my heart. The knowledge that I am loved with the feeling that I am loved are two very different things. And love or lack of love is what it comes down to.

Here's the thing with this: I can know as much as a scholar about food/dieting/body image issues/etc. But when it really comes down to it, it doesn't matter in the moment because my brain turns off and my emotions take over. And it is terrifying sometimes. Today it was terrifying. I forgot that I would be okay and this feeling of disgust wouldn't last forever, I forgot that I have so many blessings in my life. Because all I could focus on was that I've gained weight, I don't fit into all my clothes comfortably right now, everyone's gonna notice how fat I've gotten, and I deserve it because every terrible food choice I have made since last summer has brought me to this point. And I can't blame it on anyone. So serves me right.

The shame I feel that I feel shame about this is what puts me in this vicious addiction cycle. Because I think, some people have real problems. This is one I've made up in my head. So get over it already Tiff.

But I have learned that this is real for me. And I struggle. And it will probably take me forever to figure this out, but I.AM.NOT.GIVING.UP.

Even though I want to. It is so exhausting. Isn't it amazing the things that are hard for some people, and not hard for others? Sure, I can ride my bike 100 miles, I can finish my degree as a single mom with four kids, I can work and be a mom and whatever else externally, but accepting myself for who I am is my biggest challenge in life. The really hard things for me are getting in a swimsuit when I really want to get in a snowsuit, doing something/anything instead of numbing out or trying to control someone or something else, and acting on my empowerment when I feel like a victim. And mostly, admitting my weakness. Self acceptance is my biggest teacher, knocks me to my knees (sometimes in gratitude, sometimes in absolute despair), and continues to beg of me to learn who I am.

When I woke up this morning, I just wanted to do anything to not be me. And I don't know why Satan wants to be my best friend. But I made also made a choice this morning. I am not going to automatically feel better. I, Tiffany, had to choose to remember that this is where my point of control is: I can sit here and be sad and continue to make choices to keep me in this cycle, or I can make a conscious decision to do the things that will stop the cycle where it's at. Sometimes this means to reach out to someone (believe me when I tell you this almost killed me when I first tried it) that I know loves me (Thanks Mom-mom's are good at that, right?), Sometimes it means doing all the other things that I don't want to, but know I should. Like going for a bike ride, like connecting with someone, like praying, like remembering to get out of my head and serve someone else, like actually being a human being and living in the present moment.

I am going to bed tonight knowing 100% that Heavenly Father heard my prayer this morning. He sent me a random visit from my brother, a conversation with a good friend that helped me realize how much stronger I've become in the last 2 1/2 years, and the courage to admit my imperfections knowing I am still lovable. I'm still working on this last one, but it's okay because I think it's pretty important 

Kids

Fave pic of 2018. Tonight I can’t even describe the love I have felt for and from my kids in the past while. 
Lately I’ve decided to start showing emotions to my kids. Real ones. I don’t want to be that mom that doesn’t have feelings or hides them anymore. How are my kids supposed to know how to have and express emotions, or communicate effectively if they aren’t shown? I am a mom but I am a human mom. I get sad, I feel deliriously annoyingly happy sometimes, I get my feelings hurt, sometimes I don’t know what to do or I question myself as a mom, I get overwhelmed, I force things a lot instead of allowing authentic connection with them because I want to do the right thing, sometimes I’m very annoyed and irritable, and a lot of times I have faked that I was okay. And sometimes I've got crap to do and forget to look into their eyeballs. Because life. And a lot of times I have been really happy, and lots of times I have pretended that I was because I thought that’s what a good mom does.
But I have found as I have shared who I am with them, I have felt a deeper closeness to them. They have opened up to me in a way I have only dreamed of. I have been able to see them for who they are as individuals, not just as my kids.
I am so proud of them for their thoughtful questions, their ability to forgive quickly and fully, the cool moments where we communicate and talk through things and make decisions together as a family. I have softened into compromising based on our conversations and their needs and desires instead of just trying to make rules.
They are seriously the raddest kids. Everything I do, I have them in mind. They teach me the coolest stuff. They are my life.

The "in-between" phase

I feel very strongly about something that relates to trials/adversity. I've been thinking of the "in between" phase. I like to hear about this part in people's experiences, but often don't. I can't count how many stories I have heard about people having a trial and people praise them for not feeling sorry for themselves, or for only focusing on the positive. I always wonder, "But how did you feel before you were able to get to the "through it" phase?" While I think these are important aspects of a resilient spirit, I think there is a difference between lingering on something because you don't know how to overcome it, and having real, authentic feelings that are necessary for the experience. I don't think this is realistic to be automatically okay, and I think this is unhealthy because it doesn't allow us to have emotions. I wish we heard more that it's okay to be where you are until you aren't there anymore. If you've suffered trauma, you are going to have to give yourself permission to let yourself heal. If someone has wronged you, it's okay to not automatically "get over it". We have emotions for a reason and that is different for everyone, but we need to let them run their course.

I have had a few major experiences when I felt justifiably mad and hurt. I was so mad but I turned it inwardly into self hate because I wasn't taught what to do with "mad". I didn't let myself feel mad because I didn't think it was being a good person. That wasn't the kind thing to do, that wasn't loving. The anger came back later though, and it was really hard for me to learn that I just had to be mad until I wasn't mad anymore. And that it was okay because I am a human being, not a robot.

Please for the sake of mental health, let us all give ourselves and others permission to be. We can listen. We can love. We can validate. It's so comforting to hear "You are allowed to be ____". It offers relief. It nourishes a spirit. It negates shame. The more I try to be something I am not, or the more I try to look on the bright side of things when it doesn't feel especially sunny, the longer the discomfort stays. When I really let it run it's course and had faith that I won't always feel this way, it is eventually lifted. I know this.

Whenever I hear stories now, I realize that there is an "in between the action and the healing" phase for everyone. It will be felt now or later, but it is there. I want to be the type of person that is there for the "in between", but it's tough because I also want to make the pain go away for someone else.

Taking Accountability

Taking accountability for my actions is so, so hard for my wanna-be perfect self to do, but so easy for me to expect from others, who, come to find out, are also imperfect. How's that for hypocritical? But someone asked me why I got divorced the other day, and it has made me ponder. (shocker, right?)

I feel all uncomfortable and my heart feels messy and my cheeks get all flushy when I get upset about something that I know I need to just admit. It is hard because it ties into my worthiness. My enough-ness. And my loveable-ness. But I am learning that it doesn't have to.

I have many instances in my previous relationship that make me feel that queasy feeling of shame for where I lacked. I am sure many can relate. But I tell myself, "Tiff - welcome.to.life." All decisions, negative or positive, I made and continue to make, affect someone else because I am a part of a family. These decisions affect them even when I did the best I could. Especially when I did the best I could and it still didn't work out - those are the doozies that make me want to bury my head in sand. Deep, deep, deep sand. Like, the deepest.

I have questioned so much to know what the purpose of my marriage was if it just was going to end. Of course the obvious answer would be that I now have four super cool kids. Whenever I have an experience, I always ask, "How could I have gotten through that better?" That is why I share, because possibly someone could be experiencing this and could benefit. Well, that and the fact that when I keep it in, my brain explodes.

The biggest questions I have asked myself and everyone that knows me, are "What could I have done differently? How could I have changed this outcome? If I would have not been this or that, OR been this or that, would it have lasted?" The hardest question I asked myself was, "Did my marriage fail because of my personal insecurities?" I think these questions are important. I loooove to analzye everything to death, and it doesn't matter how busy I am in life, my fun little brain makes room for analyzing anything that I, or someone I legit met 5 minutes ago did, 102 times.

But bless my 20 year old soul, I didn't know what I wanted or what my future held at that time anymore than I knew if dinosaurs were real. And mark my word, I will definitely be bribing my kids to not marry until they are at least 29, have a solid career, agree to elope, and then give me all the grand-babies.

So I know there is not one concrete answer as to why I am no longer married. In fact, Jed and I both view that answer differently. But I decided to stop asking why my marriage ended, and find purpose in the lessons I learned along the way. More than any other situation I have had in life, I have had to learn to take responsibility and play the role of an empowered woman instead of a victim. There is only one way to stop being a victim, and it is saying, "Here is where I needed some work. This is what I could have changed." And then changing! But not all at once.. slowly, when the head and the heart get together for a pow-wow.

Acknowledge strength, admit weakness, appreciate both. This was hard-won knowledge.

I have learned to admit that I was a scared, insecure, self conscious, emotional woman afraid of feelings and being alone. And I am 100% sure it was a hard part of marriage for my partner especially since he is a fixer. While this is a truth that I have had to swallow, looking back I can see that I may have felt all those things, but that is not who I was. But since I believed it, that's how I acted. In truth, I was a passionate, confident, truth seeker that was doing her best to give herself and her family what she thought they would benefit from, in spite of personal weakness. And I needed a bit more heavenly help than I cared to admit.

At the end of this day, I will thank God that I have found purpose in experiencing darkness, light, and everything in between that relationships and life experiences offer. I am a different person because of my marriage. I believe a better person. I'm thankful to Jed for giving me these opportunities to see through the illusion of who my brain was telling me I was, and invoke the truth in my heart.

Random Saturday morning thoughts

Some people are just born knowing what they are passionate about and what they were born to do. Man I hate those people. Haha. Because I didn't think I was one of them. I think I'm getting more confident in my purpose, but it has been a real struggle for me to not feel like I had this great grandiose purpose. What I do know is that I have always loved people. When I feel the most purpose in life, it is when I am connecting with others. I think it's a trait passed down from my mom. She genuinely loves people and is the ultimate example of making her life's purpose about enhancing other people's lives.

While I think it's amazing when people were born knowing they wanted to be songwriters or scientists, I've appreciated and detested the journey I have had in pondering that my purpose could be whatever I choose, and that perhaps it will change over time, just as it always has. I think I've downplayed the significance of being a mother, friend, member of a family, and student. But I also feel that God does have a unique purpose for each of us.

I've heard the quote, "Your mess is your message." And I believe it. By people sharing their experiences of being human, it definitely inspires me in my own life.

So maybe more important than anything else, it's not as much what my purpose is, but how much purpose I am putting into helping others.

I listened to a Ted talk by Pastor Rick Warren. Every minute was full of simple, simple thoughts and truths. But the most significant question he talked about was this:
"What's in your hand? What are you doing with what you've been given?"

I do need a Savior

I just have to share how my understanding has changed now that I am asking some spiritual questions with life experience on my side. I truly never thought I'd be saying or feeling these things again in my life, but I do. I have 100% noticed a difference in my life since Heavenly Father has so willingly allowed love back into my heart, not just in answered prayers, but in the general warm and solid feeling I have in my life. I don't feel like I'm skating on a slippery ice rink anymore, just trying to get some solid ground. The wall I had built up to protect me has been thrashed, and I have felt more love for myself and others that I knew was there but had been unable to grasp. I feel like I have come home. I feel like I have a tribe. I feel like my fight for peace and healing is worthwhile.

One of my main questions I have been studying/asking is why we need a Savior. I didn't understand why a Heavenly Father would create a world with us needing to rely on someone else to return back to him. I still don't know that answer or know what the afterlife holds, but I do know that I have come to a point where I recognize that right now, in my life this moment, I deeply, deeply need a Savior. Having an eating disorder or negative thought/food addiction or whatever you want to call it that has been there for forever long that I loathed and has brought so much heartache and shame, has been my path back to Jesus Christ. Why wouldn't it leave me when I put so much effort and hard work into making it go away? Because I needed it so someone could put me back together in a totally different and better way than I could. I need him to save me from myself: my thoughts, my behaviors, my inner demons, my imperfect self. The part of me that tries so dang hard and comes up against a wall time after time. Every day I need him. While I was going through the years not believing in Jesus Christ as a Savior, the ironic part is that I sought others out that played the role as my savior: friends, therapists, authors. I obviously still needed one, I just didn't recognize it and wouldn't admit it. These others were all "helpful" and I am forever grateful, but it was not a sustaining and lasting feeling. How much better life is knowing I can have access to personal revelation or comfort from an unseen power that actually heals right in the moment.

I feel like it takes effort and work on my part every day, every minute. I used to wake up and feel hopeless about making any progress. But now I wake up knowing that I am getting stronger and better because I feel purpose again. My efforts are not wasted because my efforts have been fortified. I'm not afraid of hard. I'm afraid of being alone in the hard. And I don't feel that I am anymore.

Humility

For the past nine years, I have made it my life's purpose to prove to myself and anyone else that I could handle everything that happened in my life BY MYSELF. I foolishly thought that I was too. I was married to someone who was very independent and didn't seem to need anything from anyone, so that made it an even greater test because I thought I needed to be like him to the point that I hated who I was. I remember he would say, jokingly, "Why do you want to be like me? I'm an idiot." Ha. But it's a trait I thought I needed to emulate. I remember the self loathing I would feel when I just couldn't handle life without talking to someone about how I was feeling. I'm just a very sensitive person, and I process life through conversation and human connection. I thought that was a bad thing. Turns out, it's not. We're all different. If I couldn't emotionally handle something by myself, it must mean I was weak and needy. And the harder I tried to not be weak and needy and "not enough", the more I became those things. Basically the whole year after I got divorced, every time I was sad I reached out to a friend or family member because I was so dang terrified. I couldn't even handle five minutes of sitting with the pain. I finally got to a point where I made myself go through extremely painful periods by myself, not reaching out to anyone else. I slowly became stronger, and it's actually a bit amusing to me now because I love the time now where I just ponder on what's happening, and get curious about what thoughts enter my mind during a rough spot. The first Thanksgiving that my kids were away, I made myself stay home and wait out the feeling of loneliness and the pain of rejection. I didn't want to distract myself or numb myself to reality. And it was a breakthrough moment, something I needed to do to learn to trust myself. I didn't realize until those moments of loneliness that I had a strong sense of self and could come back from those times stronger. But also how gut wrenchingly sad my heart could feel.

But here's the truth: I am weak, I am needy, and I am not enough without heavenly strength. I know what it feels like to feel completely alone even though I was surrounded by people whom I loved and I knew loved me. It wasn't enough. And I know what it feels like to be alone but not feel hopeless and lonely. The difference is a belief in a power so much greater than anything I could possibly experience through earthly means.

One of the hardest things I've ever done because it made me feel so vulnerable and weak and desperate was to kneel down and ask for help. It took me nine years, but I finally decided that I didn't want to do this by myself anymore. I gave up trying to carry the weight of the world by myself, to overcome these weaknesses that feel so heavy. I begged God to take away the pain I couldn't get rid of no matter what I tried, make the light stronger than the darkness, and fill in all of my broken places with strength. I am so thankful that I have been broken down enough that I could see this "ideal" that I was trying to live up to was a very stubborn and proud heart. I have been playing fiddle to an opposing force and buying into it at every turn because I thought it was necessary to become stronger. But it was a lie, and it has been my experience that only God provides lasting support and security. It's a relationship, and I cut myself off from this relationship. The fact that I have now lived on both sides of belief in a Heavenly Father is so valuable to me because I have experienced the difference.The difference is that now I understand that I am not a failure when things don't go my way. I am human. The difference is black and white, night and day, joy and pain.

And I choose joy. The sad thing is, I could have chosen joy this whole time. I could have gone through these trials that would still have been hard, but with the knowledge that I was okay.

If you're in a place where the world is scary and hard and there's no relief, I've been there. And I offer my love and friendship to you. I'm serious. I'm here for you. I have been so blessed to always have close family and a best friend. But I know that not everyone has that, and my greatest joy in the world would be to give back what I have been so freely given. Reach out and ask for help when it gets too heavy. God has been there for me every time I've asked. But I had to ask.

Divorce real life

I know I've shared a lot of the good things that I feel have come from divorce, but today is not one of those days. For anyone wondering what life after divorce is like on a bad day, consider this: It's basically like having one hundred and eight babies without drugs. Seriously, emotionally, it's sort of like being in labor for a really long time. Sometimes the contractions are really strong and completely floor you, and sometimes they aren't as strong but you know they are there, and although you are trying not to, you are dreading the next contraction. To top if all off, it feels like there isn't much time between these painful contractions. There are a lot of "firsts" you must go through. Even if I was aware at one time that I would have to endure these, I didn't realize what it would truly be like until I was smack dab in the middle of it. Nothing can prepare you for the turmoil that is divorce. And holy crap it hurts. I have found myself in a puddle of tears way too many times. The first time your kids go for the weekend, the first family party without you that the family that you have spent the past 17 years with happens, the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and every other holiday, going anywhere that reminds you of your time together, the moment you make your kid's bed and they have a picture of your family together under their pillow, the first time one of your kids wants to go live with their dad, having to mentally surgically remove yourself from your help-meet and best friend, and know that you are no longer team Jed and Tiff. Not to mention the trillions of memories and thoughts that replay in your head. The good news is getting those first "firsts" over with. Every time one of them passes, I'm so thankful because I know the next time what to expect. The bad news is, there is still so many to go through. I'd like to think of myself as a positive person who makes the most of any situation, but honestly some days it seems so hopeless that I just wonder how in the world I got here, and wasn't being married so much less painful? Pain, in my experience, never feels better. Yes, it gets less extreme mostly because you know you've been through worse, but it always hurts. I tried to logic and think my way out of pain. Overthinking was my coping skill and I really thought it would help. But now I realize I just have to birth these babies. And they better be the biggest, most beautiful babies I've ever seen because it hurts like the dickens.

I share this because I hope that anyone contemplating divorce will really take to heart what it means to actually be divorced. The thought of it is way less painful than the reality.

But also, I know I have 2000 percent more emotions than the average human, so maybe I'm just being extreme :)