In 2009, I started having questions about certain practices of the LDS church. It wasn't the first time I had questions, but this was the time I decided to figure out the answers even though I was scared. It has been many back and forth feelings as I wrestled with these questions. Specifically, Joseph Smith and polygamy, the temple ordinances, the stance on homosexuality, women and the priesthood… the usual questions people have.

I remember the heartbreak and confusion I felt questioning these things because I loved the gospel. It was my foundation. I loved my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. But I also really felt that Heavenly Father would have been proud of me trying to figure these things out, and many times I felt okay.

I'm not going to say it was divinely led, but it could have been if I would have tackled it in a different way. But I came to a point where I did not include Heavenly Father in my life, in my big decisions, in my marriage, in my parenting. And I missed out. I missed out on feeling that divine love and on serving others because I was so prideful. Even though I have had experiences that have been defining moments to me, I will never know what my life could have been all these years trusting in God’s plan and handing my life over to him.

The details are what took me away but the essence of the gospel, Christ’s love, is what has brought me back.

I decided when someone asked me to come back to church, that it was time I focus on the essentials. I'm not saying I don't have questions still, or that I don't feel absolutely torn with some things, but the difference I have felt in the past six months in my life, is literally night and day. I feel love, hope, and direction. Because of Jesus Christ, I have new moments, new days, new chances...My heart and relationships have been healed. My prayers have been constant, and answered. And my struggles have been made lighter. The things that I have learned about myself throughout all of this have added depth to my life, and helped me become firm where I have been shaky.

I just feel thankful every day that I haven't been forgotten. Everything I have ever wanted from someone else has been fulfilled through my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I have wanted acceptance, validation, to show and offer love, to be needed, and to know I'm worthy of love from someone else, it was never satisfied. Because that was an inside job, but it was not an inside job that I did alone. Every relationship that needed "fixing", did not happen through that person. It happened through God, and the effects trickled down and made relationships right again.

I have compassion and respect for others on their own path whatever that may be, and I don’t think that this path of being a member of the church is for everyone. It's taken me a long time to reconcile it being right for me but maybe not someone else. But I know it is for me. All I've ever wanted was to feel comfortable in who I am, but the more I tried to figure that out away from the gospel, the more disconnected I was from myself. All of the paths I have taken have converged into one solid road, and I am back home; safe in His love.