I do need a Savior

I just have to share how my understanding has changed now that I am asking some spiritual questions with life experience on my side. I truly never thought I'd be saying or feeling these things again in my life, but I do. I have 100% noticed a difference in my life since Heavenly Father has so willingly allowed love back into my heart, not just in answered prayers, but in the general warm and solid feeling I have in my life. I don't feel like I'm skating on a slippery ice rink anymore, just trying to get some solid ground. The wall I had built up to protect me has been thrashed, and I have felt more love for myself and others that I knew was there but had been unable to grasp. I feel like I have come home. I feel like I have a tribe. I feel like my fight for peace and healing is worthwhile.

One of my main questions I have been studying/asking is why we need a Savior. I didn't understand why a Heavenly Father would create a world with us needing to rely on someone else to return back to him. I still don't know that answer or know what the afterlife holds, but I do know that I have come to a point where I recognize that right now, in my life this moment, I deeply, deeply need a Savior. Having an eating disorder or negative thought/food addiction or whatever you want to call it that has been there for forever long that I loathed and has brought so much heartache and shame, has been my path back to Jesus Christ. Why wouldn't it leave me when I put so much effort and hard work into making it go away? Because I needed it so someone could put me back together in a totally different and better way than I could. I need him to save me from myself: my thoughts, my behaviors, my inner demons, my imperfect self. The part of me that tries so dang hard and comes up against a wall time after time. Every day I need him. While I was going through the years not believing in Jesus Christ as a Savior, the ironic part is that I sought others out that played the role as my savior: friends, therapists, authors. I obviously still needed one, I just didn't recognize it and wouldn't admit it. These others were all "helpful" and I am forever grateful, but it was not a sustaining and lasting feeling. How much better life is knowing I can have access to personal revelation or comfort from an unseen power that actually heals right in the moment.

I feel like it takes effort and work on my part every day, every minute. I used to wake up and feel hopeless about making any progress. But now I wake up knowing that I am getting stronger and better because I feel purpose again. My efforts are not wasted because my efforts have been fortified. I'm not afraid of hard. I'm afraid of being alone in the hard. And I don't feel that I am anymore.