Humility

For the past nine years, I have made it my life's purpose to prove to myself and anyone else that I could handle everything that happened in my life BY MYSELF. I foolishly thought that I was too. I was married to someone who was very independent and didn't seem to need anything from anyone, so that made it an even greater test because I thought I needed to be like him to the point that I hated who I was. I remember he would say, jokingly, "Why do you want to be like me? I'm an idiot." Ha. But it's a trait I thought I needed to emulate. I remember the self loathing I would feel when I just couldn't handle life without talking to someone about how I was feeling. I'm just a very sensitive person, and I process life through conversation and human connection. I thought that was a bad thing. Turns out, it's not. We're all different. If I couldn't emotionally handle something by myself, it must mean I was weak and needy. And the harder I tried to not be weak and needy and "not enough", the more I became those things. Basically the whole year after I got divorced, every time I was sad I reached out to a friend or family member because I was so dang terrified. I couldn't even handle five minutes of sitting with the pain. I finally got to a point where I made myself go through extremely painful periods by myself, not reaching out to anyone else. I slowly became stronger, and it's actually a bit amusing to me now because I love the time now where I just ponder on what's happening, and get curious about what thoughts enter my mind during a rough spot. The first Thanksgiving that my kids were away, I made myself stay home and wait out the feeling of loneliness and the pain of rejection. I didn't want to distract myself or numb myself to reality. And it was a breakthrough moment, something I needed to do to learn to trust myself. I didn't realize until those moments of loneliness that I had a strong sense of self and could come back from those times stronger. But also how gut wrenchingly sad my heart could feel.

But here's the truth: I am weak, I am needy, and I am not enough without heavenly strength. I know what it feels like to feel completely alone even though I was surrounded by people whom I loved and I knew loved me. It wasn't enough. And I know what it feels like to be alone but not feel hopeless and lonely. The difference is a belief in a power so much greater than anything I could possibly experience through earthly means.

One of the hardest things I've ever done because it made me feel so vulnerable and weak and desperate was to kneel down and ask for help. It took me nine years, but I finally decided that I didn't want to do this by myself anymore. I gave up trying to carry the weight of the world by myself, to overcome these weaknesses that feel so heavy. I begged God to take away the pain I couldn't get rid of no matter what I tried, make the light stronger than the darkness, and fill in all of my broken places with strength. I am so thankful that I have been broken down enough that I could see this "ideal" that I was trying to live up to was a very stubborn and proud heart. I have been playing fiddle to an opposing force and buying into it at every turn because I thought it was necessary to become stronger. But it was a lie, and it has been my experience that only God provides lasting support and security. It's a relationship, and I cut myself off from this relationship. The fact that I have now lived on both sides of belief in a Heavenly Father is so valuable to me because I have experienced the difference.The difference is that now I understand that I am not a failure when things don't go my way. I am human. The difference is black and white, night and day, joy and pain.

And I choose joy. The sad thing is, I could have chosen joy this whole time. I could have gone through these trials that would still have been hard, but with the knowledge that I was okay.

If you're in a place where the world is scary and hard and there's no relief, I've been there. And I offer my love and friendship to you. I'm serious. I'm here for you. I have been so blessed to always have close family and a best friend. But I know that not everyone has that, and my greatest joy in the world would be to give back what I have been so freely given. Reach out and ask for help when it gets too heavy. God has been there for me every time I've asked. But I had to ask.