Taking Accountability

Taking accountability for my actions is so, so hard for my wanna-be perfect self to do, but so easy for me to expect from others, who, come to find out, are also imperfect. How's that for hypocritical? But someone asked me why I got divorced the other day, and it has made me ponder. (shocker, right?)

I feel all uncomfortable and my heart feels messy and my cheeks get all flushy when I get upset about something that I know I need to just admit. It is hard because it ties into my worthiness. My enough-ness. And my loveable-ness. But I am learning that it doesn't have to.

I have many instances in my previous relationship that make me feel that queasy feeling of shame for where I lacked. I am sure many can relate. But I tell myself, "Tiff - welcome.to.life." All decisions, negative or positive, I made and continue to make, affect someone else because I am a part of a family. These decisions affect them even when I did the best I could. Especially when I did the best I could and it still didn't work out - those are the doozies that make me want to bury my head in sand. Deep, deep, deep sand. Like, the deepest.

I have questioned so much to know what the purpose of my marriage was if it just was going to end. Of course the obvious answer would be that I now have four super cool kids. Whenever I have an experience, I always ask, "How could I have gotten through that better?" That is why I share, because possibly someone could be experiencing this and could benefit. Well, that and the fact that when I keep it in, my brain explodes.

The biggest questions I have asked myself and everyone that knows me, are "What could I have done differently? How could I have changed this outcome? If I would have not been this or that, OR been this or that, would it have lasted?" The hardest question I asked myself was, "Did my marriage fail because of my personal insecurities?" I think these questions are important. I loooove to analzye everything to death, and it doesn't matter how busy I am in life, my fun little brain makes room for analyzing anything that I, or someone I legit met 5 minutes ago did, 102 times.

But bless my 20 year old soul, I didn't know what I wanted or what my future held at that time anymore than I knew if dinosaurs were real. And mark my word, I will definitely be bribing my kids to not marry until they are at least 29, have a solid career, agree to elope, and then give me all the grand-babies.

So I know there is not one concrete answer as to why I am no longer married. In fact, Jed and I both view that answer differently. But I decided to stop asking why my marriage ended, and find purpose in the lessons I learned along the way. More than any other situation I have had in life, I have had to learn to take responsibility and play the role of an empowered woman instead of a victim. There is only one way to stop being a victim, and it is saying, "Here is where I needed some work. This is what I could have changed." And then changing! But not all at once.. slowly, when the head and the heart get together for a pow-wow.

Acknowledge strength, admit weakness, appreciate both. This was hard-won knowledge.

I have learned to admit that I was a scared, insecure, self conscious, emotional woman afraid of feelings and being alone. And I am 100% sure it was a hard part of marriage for my partner especially since he is a fixer. While this is a truth that I have had to swallow, looking back I can see that I may have felt all those things, but that is not who I was. But since I believed it, that's how I acted. In truth, I was a passionate, confident, truth seeker that was doing her best to give herself and her family what she thought they would benefit from, in spite of personal weakness. And I needed a bit more heavenly help than I cared to admit.

At the end of this day, I will thank God that I have found purpose in experiencing darkness, light, and everything in between that relationships and life experiences offer. I am a different person because of my marriage. I believe a better person. I'm thankful to Jed for giving me these opportunities to see through the illusion of who my brain was telling me I was, and invoke the truth in my heart.