God bless therapists

I went back to therapy about a month ago. And every day I'm so thankful for therapists and can't wait until I can be one. I really hope it's in the cards for me to do this some day because I see the value and necessity of mental health. I have learned so much and want to help others. I am learning how to meet my own needs and re-parent the parts of me that need compassion and acceptance. I have learned what it really means when I feel "not enough" and how to get myself out of there.

My mind has been rolling and thinking about so many things. More than anything though, the things I have been learning (which are blowing my mind and changing my life) have all taken me back to having a sense of control over my life. And how and why I try to manage that aspect of my life.

To me, this looks like my mind not being able to come up with a solution to something, so it gives me a thought it thinks it has control over: my weight and my physical appearance. It also looks like me worrying incessantly about something even though I know I cannot control or fix it. It looks like me being too busy so I don't have to think about something I don't know the answer to, it shows up in my mothering when without realizing it, I start trying to control everything my kids do too. I tell myself it's because I love them and want the best for them, but is this true?

Or is it true that I'm afraid of my kids feeling pain from their own mistakes so I'm trying to save them from it? Probably a bit of both sometimes.

This is the truth for me though. When I can come back into my own body and breath, I realize that I am trying to control how much pain I will feel, or how much pain someone else will feel. But I know pain is part of life, and even if I could control the circumstances that lead to pain, it would pop up somewhere else. This is what I tell myself: I cannot control this. I can only control how I deal with it. Hurt feelings, ends of relationships, disappointing someone, death, feeling lost... those are all going to happen to all of us.

At the end of the moment of stress/anxiety when I can think clearly, I know that life is always in my favor if I choose to see it that way. I believe in a God who wants all good things for me and knows how to give them to me. Way better than I would choose for myself. Every situation can be a gift even when it doesn't feel like it. God has never let me down, and He has always shown me a way to rise higher. When I can surrender my need to control the outcome of any given situation, and allow myself to feel whatever it is that is inside of me, or can be brave enough to accept reality even when it makes me uncomfortable, I am at peace with myself. This is a better option to me and I am so thankful to have been given tools to figure out how to change my thoughts. God bless therapists.