I feel like so many people I know and love are going through a divorce right now. I don't know if it's the age I am or what, but it's made me reflect on my own divorce. I feel stronger having gone through a divorce. I was laying in bed last night and tears were streaming down my face because I was so thankful to have three years down. There are phases of divorce, and each one holds different gifts and different pains, but having that first year of "firsts" over is proof that there is a God to me :) So to you who are at the beginning, I love you so much. You are so valuable, and you could learn so much from this experience. Do not let this rock your worth, except that it totally might. And if it does, get help. Reach out. Don’t give that thought any power.

So to you who may be going through a divorce right now, I physically and emotionally feel so sad for you, and my first instinct is to say anything I can to make you not have to feel this. Yet, I know you are the only one who can go through it. And I just want to assure you, that if you feel like you will never be okay, I promise you will. My daily phone call to my friend and sisters the first year sounded like this: "Bawl, bawl, bawl, I'm never going to be okay." Her: "Yes you will, I promise. I know this is hard, and this is the worst part, but you will be okay." Me: "No I won't" (actually knowing I wouldn't.) But I am. I'm more than okay!!

I do want to share a few ideas. Not because I did it right. Please do not read this like I am a life coach offering unsolicited advice because I figured it out. I did not. Nobody has it all figured out, but just as with most things, I could have done things differently and perhaps saved myself some grief. This is basically a letter I would give to myself before a divorce.

So if I had a do-over (Emily Belle Freeman talks about “do-betters. There aren’t “do-overs”, there are just “do betters”), I would:

#1: Get a lawyer and a therapist. I had never done this before, and despite best intentions, I didn’t know what the future would hold. Lawyers and therapists deal with this all day long, they have good advice and wisdom to share. Take it.

#2: Not judge myself and how I was handling this. Did I act like a crazy person at a friend’s house in front of him and his wife? Yep. Did the same person see me both times I couldn’t contain myself at the grocery store? Yep. Did I have a rebound makeout session with someone? Sure did. Do I feel like an idiot? Yup. But guess what.. oh freaking well. You know how this is our life and we have to live it? This is part of living it - 

#3: Let things settle in me and lose their emotional power before I reacted. Making a decision when I feel like I have to make a decision, is never the time to actually make the decision. Because that means the decision is being made only with my emotions. It was my effort to try to run from pain. I moved with my kids out of our house very quickly because I thought I had to, and there were a few other things I could have just let play out a little. But I just couldn't stand one more moment of uncertainty. But uncertainty is inevitable, not just a physical location. I didn't have to do anything until I was ready, or until I was forced to. I would replace "I have to do ___ so I feel like I'm okay" with "I feel very unsettled but I am not ready to make this decision. And no matter what happens, I know I will be okay."

#4:  I would try to understand that love liberates, doesn't restrict. And expecting someone to love me when they didn't,  only caused me misery. I do not have control over who someone loves or wants to be married to. Yes that sucks. But this is the question I would ask myself: "Do I want to be married to someone that doesn't want to be with me?" or "Would I want to be married to me?" And if not, I would focus on BEING someone I love instead of trying to prove to SOMEONE ELSE that I am worthy of their love. It really doesn't matter that they did at one time, that is the past. What can I do about my present and future?

#5: Understand there doesn't have to be an enemy. Again, running from pain...We were two imperfect people learning as we went in our marriage. Sometimes one or both partners learn they are still good people, but perhaps not their best together. And it doesn't make one right and one wrong. So when a friend or family member listens to you bag on your husband/ex-husband, or bags on them to you, it may make you feel better for a minute, and feel justified because you are hurt, but fact checking may be helpful here. Is this other person really trying to ruin your life? Or are they trying to save theirs even though you don’t understand?

#6: Challenge things your partner/ex-partner says to you or about you with someone who can help you, not someone who will just agree with you. Don’t just take your partner’s word for it and believe everything they say. That is their opinion. And you don’t have control over that, but you do have a decision to make with that information. And BTW, You are the worst person to ask these questions to when you are in pain. And it may feel good to talk to a friend or family member that is mad at your partner/ex-partner, but it may not be helpful. And sometimes that's okay. I needed people I could vent to and they would agree with me that my partner was acting like a complete a-hole, and be mad with me, and at other times I needed people that could actually help me think logically.

#7: Feel the feelings. Tiffany Roe, a therapist in Provo, has a quote: Feel, deal, heal. I love it and I believe it. Sometimes I needed to feel with someone else because the feelings were terrifying. Other times, I needed to feel by myself because I needed to get comfortable with myself, and strengthen my emotional muscles. One thing that I feel like I did well, was adding my body to my whole "feeling" experience. My bike and I became besties, and I processed a lot of grief on long, hard bike rides.

#8: I really tried to hide my sadness from my kids because I didn't want them to feel sad. I wonder if this showed them that if they go through something very difficult, they shouldn’t cry or have a hard time, because their mom didn’t seem to. Those are not the qualities I want my child to learn from me. They probably did, but now that I’m aware, I can do differently from now on. And, there’s always therapy :)

#9: Understand that it is a roller coaster, and you are on the ride, and you are on the ride forever. Whether it’s divorce, or not, this is a lifelong coaster. And sometimes you will be going on the scary part of the roller coaster, and other times you’ll be on top of the world and nothing could be more clear. Take all you can from the ups and downs. I have been divorced for 3 years this month, and I am still sad. It's like this: I remember it hurt so much, and now it's a thought that makes me sad but doesn't take up residence in my brain for long periods of time. It sure did though, for longer than I felt was necessary, and that was an indication to me that I needed someone to help me understand the message. So I'm now working through that - because I want to be a healthy person, and one who my kids respect.

#10: This experience will change you. And that is good news. But I’m so glad I finally understand this: No one can hurt me unless I give them permission to by already believing my fears. It’s like my sister explained: It’s easier to hit someone in a crowd when they have a target on their back. The reason it hurt so bad when Jed told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore was because I already feared I wasn’t good enough for him. The reason it hurt so bad when my teenage boys moved out to live with their dad, was because I had already believed that their dad was a better parent than me, and they were probably better off with him. I have since learned that I was good enough, I just didn’t believe it, and that was my responsibility to figure out how to change that. And I’m a great mom, and Jed’s a great dad. And they are teenage boys, and they love us both. They are half him, and half me - so I don’t need to be offended when they want to spend time with their dad. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me, or that I’m necessarily doing something wrong (besides the usual mistakes parents make).

#11: (because top ten lists are overrated) When you are ready, be willing to hear things that may hurt you. It's temporary and everything is "figureoutable" as Marie Forleo says. But see what that pain is, work through it, and be kind and compassionate in the process.

Find someone you can help in any way. It does both people wonders.