I have always felt very strongly about staying home with my kids. I felt a lot of fear thinking about leaving them in someone else's care. But I have always felt so much guilt too. Guilt for not making more money... (I told myself I was only home with Griff for two more years and this was just this phase of life." Guilt my kids were on state insurance... (I will be giving back for the rest of my life and it's just this phase of life)... Guilt that Jed was working two jobs... (But I'm caring for Griff and that's got value, and we are not paying daycare), etc. etc.
It has always been a very fear based experience for me. I have always had a side job, and this year I have had 5. I work for an amazing therapist in Salt Lake as an office assistant, do bookkeeping for a business owner here in town a few hours a week, babysit for a half day Tuesdays, teach piano lessons, and substitute teach. I did all of this so I could stay home with Griffin for the most part. And I was so thankful for each of these jobs! They have been perfect. And now there's a new phase happening.
But something inside of me was just relentless. The guilt was getting worse no matter what I did. And I was having so much neck pain where I was carrying it all. It boiled down to two things: I wanted to provide for myself and I didn't want to stay home anymore. That was hard to choke out. I felt like I would disappoint my kids, and I was worried they wouldn't feel loved and taken care of. Even though there is so much evidence from my friends that work full time that their kids are lacking for nothing in the love department. This was a me thing.
So I surrendered this to God. I told Him I was willing to let go of this fear and see it in a different way. What am I supposed to learn from this guilt?
I have felt fear just surge through my body as I think about taking this next step. For about a week, it just showed up randomly when I thought about leaving Griff. But it didn't feel wrong. Fear was in BrEaKdOwN mode.
And everything fell into place. A great job with benefits, a great babysitter, and the fact that Jed is a teacher and will be home with the kids after school is so important to me. And my neck pain is completely gone.
Man, I am so grateful for inspired friends and family that have listened as I have weighed all of this out, told me about job openings, let me use them as references, watched Griffin for me while I finished my degree and worked these side jobs, and offered support.
I made my decision and was in the process of a few other changes in my life that I felt would lead to more clear thoughts, and a woman I didn't know but had seen around stopped me one day when we were both in the same place, and said, "You're Tiffany, right? I don't know why I'm supposed to tell you this, but you are amazing and are doing good things. Someone is really looking out for you."
Like, WTCrap? I know life is rough right now with the uncertainty, but God is showing me He is there. He is as he always has been, in the details of MY life. And I know He is in yours too.
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