The "in-between" phase

I feel very strongly about something that relates to trials/adversity. I've been thinking of the "in between" phase. I like to hear about this part in people's experiences, but often don't. I can't count how many stories I have heard about people having a trial and people praise them for not feeling sorry for themselves, or for only focusing on the positive. I always wonder, "But how did you feel before you were able to get to the "through it" phase?" While I think these are important aspects of a resilient spirit, I think there is a difference between lingering on something because you don't know how to overcome it, and having real, authentic feelings that are necessary for the experience. I don't think this is realistic to be automatically okay, and I think this is unhealthy because it doesn't allow us to have emotions. I wish we heard more that it's okay to be where you are until you aren't there anymore. If you've suffered trauma, you are going to have to give yourself permission to let yourself heal. If someone has wronged you, it's okay to not automatically "get over it". We have emotions for a reason and that is different for everyone, but we need to let them run their course.

I have had a few major experiences when I felt justifiably mad and hurt. I was so mad but I turned it inwardly into self hate because I wasn't taught what to do with "mad". I didn't let myself feel mad because I didn't think it was being a good person. That wasn't the kind thing to do, that wasn't loving. The anger came back later though, and it was really hard for me to learn that I just had to be mad until I wasn't mad anymore. And that it was okay because I am a human being, not a robot.

Please for the sake of mental health, let us all give ourselves and others permission to be. We can listen. We can love. We can validate. It's so comforting to hear "You are allowed to be ____". It offers relief. It nourishes a spirit. It negates shame. The more I try to be something I am not, or the more I try to look on the bright side of things when it doesn't feel especially sunny, the longer the discomfort stays. When I really let it run it's course and had faith that I won't always feel this way, it is eventually lifted. I know this.

Whenever I hear stories now, I realize that there is an "in between the action and the healing" phase for everyone. It will be felt now or later, but it is there. I want to be the type of person that is there for the "in between", but it's tough because I also want to make the pain go away for someone else.

Taking Accountability

Taking accountability for my actions is so, so hard for my wanna-be perfect self to do, but so easy for me to expect from others, who, come to find out, are also imperfect. How's that for hypocritical? But someone asked me why I got divorced the other day, and it has made me ponder. (shocker, right?)

I feel all uncomfortable and my heart feels messy and my cheeks get all flushy when I get upset about something that I know I need to just admit. It is hard because it ties into my worthiness. My enough-ness. And my loveable-ness. But I am learning that it doesn't have to.

I have many instances in my previous relationship that make me feel that queasy feeling of shame for where I lacked. I am sure many can relate. But I tell myself, "Tiff - welcome.to.life." All decisions, negative or positive, I made and continue to make, affect someone else because I am a part of a family. These decisions affect them even when I did the best I could. Especially when I did the best I could and it still didn't work out - those are the doozies that make me want to bury my head in sand. Deep, deep, deep sand. Like, the deepest.

I have questioned so much to know what the purpose of my marriage was if it just was going to end. Of course the obvious answer would be that I now have four super cool kids. Whenever I have an experience, I always ask, "How could I have gotten through that better?" That is why I share, because possibly someone could be experiencing this and could benefit. Well, that and the fact that when I keep it in, my brain explodes.

The biggest questions I have asked myself and everyone that knows me, are "What could I have done differently? How could I have changed this outcome? If I would have not been this or that, OR been this or that, would it have lasted?" The hardest question I asked myself was, "Did my marriage fail because of my personal insecurities?" I think these questions are important. I loooove to analzye everything to death, and it doesn't matter how busy I am in life, my fun little brain makes room for analyzing anything that I, or someone I legit met 5 minutes ago did, 102 times.

But bless my 20 year old soul, I didn't know what I wanted or what my future held at that time anymore than I knew if dinosaurs were real. And mark my word, I will definitely be bribing my kids to not marry until they are at least 29, have a solid career, agree to elope, and then give me all the grand-babies.

So I know there is not one concrete answer as to why I am no longer married. In fact, Jed and I both view that answer differently. But I decided to stop asking why my marriage ended, and find purpose in the lessons I learned along the way. More than any other situation I have had in life, I have had to learn to take responsibility and play the role of an empowered woman instead of a victim. There is only one way to stop being a victim, and it is saying, "Here is where I needed some work. This is what I could have changed." And then changing! But not all at once.. slowly, when the head and the heart get together for a pow-wow.

Acknowledge strength, admit weakness, appreciate both. This was hard-won knowledge.

I have learned to admit that I was a scared, insecure, self conscious, emotional woman afraid of feelings and being alone. And I am 100% sure it was a hard part of marriage for my partner especially since he is a fixer. While this is a truth that I have had to swallow, looking back I can see that I may have felt all those things, but that is not who I was. But since I believed it, that's how I acted. In truth, I was a passionate, confident, truth seeker that was doing her best to give herself and her family what she thought they would benefit from, in spite of personal weakness. And I needed a bit more heavenly help than I cared to admit.

At the end of this day, I will thank God that I have found purpose in experiencing darkness, light, and everything in between that relationships and life experiences offer. I am a different person because of my marriage. I believe a better person. I'm thankful to Jed for giving me these opportunities to see through the illusion of who my brain was telling me I was, and invoke the truth in my heart.

Random Saturday morning thoughts

Some people are just born knowing what they are passionate about and what they were born to do. Man I hate those people. Haha. Because I didn't think I was one of them. I think I'm getting more confident in my purpose, but it has been a real struggle for me to not feel like I had this great grandiose purpose. What I do know is that I have always loved people. When I feel the most purpose in life, it is when I am connecting with others. I think it's a trait passed down from my mom. She genuinely loves people and is the ultimate example of making her life's purpose about enhancing other people's lives.

While I think it's amazing when people were born knowing they wanted to be songwriters or scientists, I've appreciated and detested the journey I have had in pondering that my purpose could be whatever I choose, and that perhaps it will change over time, just as it always has. I think I've downplayed the significance of being a mother, friend, member of a family, and student. But I also feel that God does have a unique purpose for each of us.

I've heard the quote, "Your mess is your message." And I believe it. By people sharing their experiences of being human, it definitely inspires me in my own life.

So maybe more important than anything else, it's not as much what my purpose is, but how much purpose I am putting into helping others.

I listened to a Ted talk by Pastor Rick Warren. Every minute was full of simple, simple thoughts and truths. But the most significant question he talked about was this:
"What's in your hand? What are you doing with what you've been given?"

I do need a Savior

I just have to share how my understanding has changed now that I am asking some spiritual questions with life experience on my side. I truly never thought I'd be saying or feeling these things again in my life, but I do. I have 100% noticed a difference in my life since Heavenly Father has so willingly allowed love back into my heart, not just in answered prayers, but in the general warm and solid feeling I have in my life. I don't feel like I'm skating on a slippery ice rink anymore, just trying to get some solid ground. The wall I had built up to protect me has been thrashed, and I have felt more love for myself and others that I knew was there but had been unable to grasp. I feel like I have come home. I feel like I have a tribe. I feel like my fight for peace and healing is worthwhile.

One of my main questions I have been studying/asking is why we need a Savior. I didn't understand why a Heavenly Father would create a world with us needing to rely on someone else to return back to him. I still don't know that answer or know what the afterlife holds, but I do know that I have come to a point where I recognize that right now, in my life this moment, I deeply, deeply need a Savior. Having an eating disorder or negative thought/food addiction or whatever you want to call it that has been there for forever long that I loathed and has brought so much heartache and shame, has been my path back to Jesus Christ. Why wouldn't it leave me when I put so much effort and hard work into making it go away? Because I needed it so someone could put me back together in a totally different and better way than I could. I need him to save me from myself: my thoughts, my behaviors, my inner demons, my imperfect self. The part of me that tries so dang hard and comes up against a wall time after time. Every day I need him. While I was going through the years not believing in Jesus Christ as a Savior, the ironic part is that I sought others out that played the role as my savior: friends, therapists, authors. I obviously still needed one, I just didn't recognize it and wouldn't admit it. These others were all "helpful" and I am forever grateful, but it was not a sustaining and lasting feeling. How much better life is knowing I can have access to personal revelation or comfort from an unseen power that actually heals right in the moment.

I feel like it takes effort and work on my part every day, every minute. I used to wake up and feel hopeless about making any progress. But now I wake up knowing that I am getting stronger and better because I feel purpose again. My efforts are not wasted because my efforts have been fortified. I'm not afraid of hard. I'm afraid of being alone in the hard. And I don't feel that I am anymore.