People have commented that I'm brave to share some of the things that I do. I haven't ever felt brave, I have just felt that maybe if I am experiencing something, someone else is too and I would have given anything to talk with others about what was going on when I was going through it. Feeling alone is the most terrifying feeling to me. So if one person felt less alone after reading something I have shared, I would be so happy. I don't want to give advice - that's my new pet peeve, when people get on social media and tell other people what to do. Probably because I used to do it when I thought I had something figured out. I'm just trying to bridge a gap in humanity between judgment and compassion. 

 There are a few things I have shared that I still had some shame around, mostly codependency. But everything else was just sharing a lesson I had learned, because I feel like that is the point of an experience. And it's usually "after" the experience that I can share the lesson, not in the middle.

But this is different. What I want to share today has been on my mind for 2 months now. I'm still in the middle of it despite the years of therapy and prayer and professional help. It is just dang hard. And no matter how many times I feel peace and relief that it's not running my life anymore, it COMES back. I look back on pictures when I was riding my bike a lot. I felt so happy and active and fit. The next year I felt like a beached well. No energy, just fighting so hard to stay mentally here. Last year was the best year of my life in so many aspects. January hit, and it was downhill until a few months ago.

FOOD. BODY.

Just typing those words make my beating heart quicken. I feel like I have replayed every emotion, positive or negative, with these words. Why do they have such power over me? Why do I give them so much power? Why can't I be like the people who aren't affected by this, who just eat to live? Why when I feel God's love and know who I am, am I here? Why have I not figured this out yet? I am almost 40! (almost :) Why can I look back at times when this didn't have a strong presence in my life and not be there again? What about last year when I felt like I had control over this aspect of my life am I hitting what feels like rock bottom again? Why, why, why can't I figure this out, and how, how, how do I have a consistent and effortless relationship here and what, what, what do I do now? And what is the balance between self care and doing the daily things that healthy people do, and letting it have less sway in my life because there are some pretty terrible things happening and lots of people to lose myself in serving? And how will I ever be able to be in a relationship with someone else (which would be awesome someday) when I am still struggling so much with this part of myself? And how can I have this much knowledge about something, especially knowing it's not really about food, but about emotions and fear, and I feel at a complete burnout. I don't even want to do anything about it. Like I am in rebellion mode. (diet culture) I'm sure I'm afraid of failing, I feel ashamed that sometimes I feel like someone has possessed me. I am not a person who gives up or sits back and takes nobody's suggestions and just complains. But I am angry that I feel like I am wasting this time obsessing about food and my body when I could be spending time more present with my kids and loved ones. It's a stupid cycle for sure. I'm more angry that I feel like I'm at square one when last year I felt like I was at square million.

I will write more on another post. I feel like it's helpful to know the things other people are carrying. And it's helpful to process, but today's message is just that if you're in this place too, you're not alone. 

The Box

A few months ago, a friend shared a book with me entitled “The Myth of Self Esteem” by Ester Rasband. She speaks of the fact that we all have a box under our bed - and inside of that, is something that we are holding more dear to us than our relationship with God. Something we don’t want to give up.

I haven’t always felt like I had great intuition or a strong sense of self. I had too much fear about who I was. But the past ten years I have really practiced trusting myself, and more importantly, trusting God. I know He will bring the experiences and people into my life that are needed for my growth. I have felt a deep longing to gain more mental clarity and let the fear and fluff fade away in my life, and a strong desire to turn inward and to God instead of others for direction, inspiration, and guidance.

Because of this desire for more clarity, I prayed about the most prominent thing in my box. I was tired of running from fear and hustling for worth. What I found in this box was this: As much as I didn’t want to admit this, I wanted Jed to love me again. I didn’t know what this meant - if I really did, or if it would just satisfy my feelings that I was worthy of being loved at all. I knew this trial was stretching me and helping me overcome some things I needed to, but it felt so real that his love was the answer to my unrest. As much as I knew intellectually this was incorrect, my heart was so set on it being the escape from pain.

I had asked for a divorce a few years before he did, and questioned our marriage again a year after that. I have justified this fact more than I should have. My feelings had little to do with how I felt about him. It was confusing and I spent months agonizing over why I was feeling the way I was when he really was a great husband. Now I see that I was looking for peace, and it would never come from my relationship with someone else. Nevertheless, it hurt him. It cracked the invinsibility of Jed and Tiff. That was my doing.

Which was confusing why it hurt so much when a few years later he had the same feelings. The fact that he didn’t want to be married to me was a big source of shame, contained so much fear, and ultimately dictated how I expressed myself and lived my life. I really felt if I gave up control of whether or not Jed would ever want to be with me again, whatever thoughts and beliefs about myself it stored, I would feel too big of a loss. Maybe I didn’t know how to function with peace because I had never really felt it. Pain was a part of me, and letting go of the pain of wanting him to love me, felt like it would leave too big a void. I can see it was serving a purpose. How would I function in peace?

So I knelt down in my closet, tears of fear streaming down my face, and I gave it to God. I gave up the hope that Jed would love me again, and that if I just kept trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be, I could prove to him that I was worthy of his love. The crazy thing is this: he never asked me to be anyone or anything else other than who I was. This all… came from the stories I was telling myself. But I gave up my idea of what I thought should happen because I knew it came from a very small, skewed sense of reality compared to God’s plan. It’s something I’ve tried to do for four years and felt like no effort was being heard or seen. But that day, I felt a release. Every effort, prayer, and hope to let go and be free was fulfilled at that moment. I think back now and I am just so thankful I didn’t stop listening to that blaring signal inside of me, and that it continued to haunt me so that it could be released and allow peace and trust in. Timing is everything. I slept that night for the first time in a long while without trying to come up with a plan for how I could prove I mattered. I knew I did, and it meant something because it didn’t come from anyone else telling me this. It came from inside, it came from an all knowing source.

When this burden was taken from me, I gained a new perspective. I was shown things that I had done that were a part of the demise of our relationship. I am proud to say I am not as innocent as I thought. I say proud because it feels good not to be a victim. Before, I tried to say, “It’s all my fault that we are getting divorced” because I felt that if it was all my fault, I could fix it and control it. Whether or not Jed loved me was still a gauge of my worthiness. I audibly said it’s all my fault, but internally I did not want to admit I had anything to do with it. I vacillated between it was all his fault and it was all mine. And that’s simply not true. I blamed him because I was hurt. Four years later, I can see that. And I can see how blind I was to my own human-ness because there was so much pain. Pain from childhood, pain from life, pain from things that were hard for me that I didn’t know how to handle, pain from divorce, but mostly pain that I didn’t need to carry - but did. Pain inhibited me - I couldn’t ever hear anything I did wrong because it cut so deep, I couldn’t handle it. Honestly. In a healthy mindset, I can hear criticism and see it as a behavior and choose to change it. In an unhealthy and unhealed mind, I heard, “You are worthless if he doesn’t want to be married to you. You will never be able to change who you are. You do not matter to him, therefore YOU do not matter.” But I can see how pain has pushed me to take a closer look at my life, and it has been good.

God took my pain away, and with that, gave me new eyes to see the pain I had caused someone else. Never in my life have I not hated who I was if I had done something wrong, or hurt somebody. Until I included God - and no longer judged myself according to whether someone wanted to be with me or not. I feel regret at things I have said that have made it seem like my divorce was one-sided. I sincerely feel sad for the ways I unintentionally hurt him. As each layer of victim mentality is washed away, comes a realization of reality-that the way I view myself dicates the way I behave in a relationship. And that we each have our own beliefs and perspectives that sometimes we do not understand from the other side. But it doesn’t make us unlovable. It’s further evidence to me how important it is to heal - so our pain doesn’t spill out onto others unnecessarily.

I could not have realized the things I have about myself, Jed, and my thoughts and behaviors, especially being able to approach it with compassion, in the midst of pain. And I could not take that pain away myself. I had to trust that God would in His timing and I just had to keep moving forward. And I did. And He did.

New Job

I got my first full time career job today. I will be the office coordinator for Brigham-USU campus. I am excited, and I just wanted to share how I got it because it has been such a freaking cool experience. There is such power in surrendering.

I have always felt very strongly about staying home with my kids. I felt a lot of fear thinking about leaving them in someone else's care. But I have always felt so much guilt too. Guilt for not making more money... (I told myself I was only home with Griff for two more years and this was just this phase of life." Guilt my kids were on state insurance... (I will be giving back for the rest of my life and it's just this phase of life)... Guilt that Jed was working two jobs... (But I'm caring for Griff and that's got value, and we are not paying daycare), etc. etc.

It has always been a very fear based experience for me. I have always had a side job, and this year I have had 5. I work for an amazing therapist in Salt Lake as an office assistant, do bookkeeping for a business owner here in town a few hours a week, babysit for a half day Tuesdays, teach piano lessons, and substitute teach. I did all of this so I could stay home with Griffin for the most part. And I was so thankful for each of these jobs! They have been perfect. And now there's a new phase happening.

But something inside of me was just relentless. The guilt was getting worse no matter what I did. And I was having so much neck pain where I was carrying it all. It boiled down to two things: I wanted to provide for myself and I didn't want to stay home anymore. That was hard to choke out. I felt like I would disappoint my kids, and I was worried they wouldn't feel loved and taken care of. Even though there is so much evidence from my friends that work full time that their kids are lacking for nothing in the love department. This was a me thing.

So I surrendered this to God. I told Him I was willing to let go of this fear and see it in a different way. What am I supposed to learn from this guilt?

I have felt fear just surge through my body as I think about taking this next step. For about a week, it just showed up randomly when I thought about leaving Griff. But it didn't feel wrong. Fear was in BrEaKdOwN mode.

And everything fell into place. A great job with benefits, a great babysitter, and the fact that Jed is a teacher and will be home with the kids after school is so important to me. And my neck pain is completely gone.

Man, I am so grateful for inspired friends and family that have listened as I have weighed all of this out, told me about job openings, let me use them as references, watched Griffin for me while I finished my degree and worked these side jobs, and offered support.

I made my decision and was in the process of a few other changes in my life that I felt would lead to more clear thoughts, and a woman I didn't know but had seen around stopped me one day when we were both in the same place, and said, "You're Tiffany, right? I don't know why I'm supposed to tell you this, but you are amazing and are doing good things. Someone is really looking out for you."

Like, WTCrap? I know life is rough right now with the uncertainty, but God is showing me He is there. He is as he always has been, in the details of MY life. And I know He is in yours too.

God bless therapists

I went back to therapy about a month ago. And every day I'm so thankful for therapists and can't wait until I can be one. I really hope it's in the cards for me to do this some day because I see the value and necessity of mental health. I have learned so much and want to help others. I am learning how to meet my own needs and re-parent the parts of me that need compassion and acceptance. I have learned what it really means when I feel "not enough" and how to get myself out of there.

My mind has been rolling and thinking about so many things. More than anything though, the things I have been learning (which are blowing my mind and changing my life) have all taken me back to having a sense of control over my life. And how and why I try to manage that aspect of my life.

To me, this looks like my mind not being able to come up with a solution to something, so it gives me a thought it thinks it has control over: my weight and my physical appearance. It also looks like me worrying incessantly about something even though I know I cannot control or fix it. It looks like me being too busy so I don't have to think about something I don't know the answer to, it shows up in my mothering when without realizing it, I start trying to control everything my kids do too. I tell myself it's because I love them and want the best for them, but is this true?

Or is it true that I'm afraid of my kids feeling pain from their own mistakes so I'm trying to save them from it? Probably a bit of both sometimes.

This is the truth for me though. When I can come back into my own body and breath, I realize that I am trying to control how much pain I will feel, or how much pain someone else will feel. But I know pain is part of life, and even if I could control the circumstances that lead to pain, it would pop up somewhere else. This is what I tell myself: I cannot control this. I can only control how I deal with it. Hurt feelings, ends of relationships, disappointing someone, death, feeling lost... those are all going to happen to all of us.

At the end of the moment of stress/anxiety when I can think clearly, I know that life is always in my favor if I choose to see it that way. I believe in a God who wants all good things for me and knows how to give them to me. Way better than I would choose for myself. Every situation can be a gift even when it doesn't feel like it. God has never let me down, and He has always shown me a way to rise higher. When I can surrender my need to control the outcome of any given situation, and allow myself to feel whatever it is that is inside of me, or can be brave enough to accept reality even when it makes me uncomfortable, I am at peace with myself. This is a better option to me and I am so thankful to have been given tools to figure out how to change my thoughts. God bless therapists.

I feel like so many people I know and love are going through a divorce right now. I don't know if it's the age I am or what, but it's made me reflect on my own divorce. I feel stronger having gone through a divorce. I was laying in bed last night and tears were streaming down my face because I was so thankful to have three years down. There are phases of divorce, and each one holds different gifts and different pains, but having that first year of "firsts" over is proof that there is a God to me :) So to you who are at the beginning, I love you so much. You are so valuable, and you could learn so much from this experience. Do not let this rock your worth, except that it totally might. And if it does, get help. Reach out. Don’t give that thought any power.

So to you who may be going through a divorce right now, I physically and emotionally feel so sad for you, and my first instinct is to say anything I can to make you not have to feel this. Yet, I know you are the only one who can go through it. And I just want to assure you, that if you feel like you will never be okay, I promise you will. My daily phone call to my friend and sisters the first year sounded like this: "Bawl, bawl, bawl, I'm never going to be okay." Her: "Yes you will, I promise. I know this is hard, and this is the worst part, but you will be okay." Me: "No I won't" (actually knowing I wouldn't.) But I am. I'm more than okay!!

I do want to share a few ideas. Not because I did it right. Please do not read this like I am a life coach offering unsolicited advice because I figured it out. I did not. Nobody has it all figured out, but just as with most things, I could have done things differently and perhaps saved myself some grief. This is basically a letter I would give to myself before a divorce.

So if I had a do-over (Emily Belle Freeman talks about “do-betters. There aren’t “do-overs”, there are just “do betters”), I would:

#1: Get a lawyer and a therapist. I had never done this before, and despite best intentions, I didn’t know what the future would hold. Lawyers and therapists deal with this all day long, they have good advice and wisdom to share. Take it.

#2: Not judge myself and how I was handling this. Did I act like a crazy person at a friend’s house in front of him and his wife? Yep. Did the same person see me both times I couldn’t contain myself at the grocery store? Yep. Did I have a rebound makeout session with someone? Sure did. Do I feel like an idiot? Yup. But guess what.. oh freaking well. You know how this is our life and we have to live it? This is part of living it - 

#3: Let things settle in me and lose their emotional power before I reacted. Making a decision when I feel like I have to make a decision, is never the time to actually make the decision. Because that means the decision is being made only with my emotions. It was my effort to try to run from pain. I moved with my kids out of our house very quickly because I thought I had to, and there were a few other things I could have just let play out a little. But I just couldn't stand one more moment of uncertainty. But uncertainty is inevitable, not just a physical location. I didn't have to do anything until I was ready, or until I was forced to. I would replace "I have to do ___ so I feel like I'm okay" with "I feel very unsettled but I am not ready to make this decision. And no matter what happens, I know I will be okay."

#4:  I would try to understand that love liberates, doesn't restrict. And expecting someone to love me when they didn't,  only caused me misery. I do not have control over who someone loves or wants to be married to. Yes that sucks. But this is the question I would ask myself: "Do I want to be married to someone that doesn't want to be with me?" or "Would I want to be married to me?" And if not, I would focus on BEING someone I love instead of trying to prove to SOMEONE ELSE that I am worthy of their love. It really doesn't matter that they did at one time, that is the past. What can I do about my present and future?

#5: Understand there doesn't have to be an enemy. Again, running from pain...We were two imperfect people learning as we went in our marriage. Sometimes one or both partners learn they are still good people, but perhaps not their best together. And it doesn't make one right and one wrong. So when a friend or family member listens to you bag on your husband/ex-husband, or bags on them to you, it may make you feel better for a minute, and feel justified because you are hurt, but fact checking may be helpful here. Is this other person really trying to ruin your life? Or are they trying to save theirs even though you don’t understand?

#6: Challenge things your partner/ex-partner says to you or about you with someone who can help you, not someone who will just agree with you. Don’t just take your partner’s word for it and believe everything they say. That is their opinion. And you don’t have control over that, but you do have a decision to make with that information. And BTW, You are the worst person to ask these questions to when you are in pain. And it may feel good to talk to a friend or family member that is mad at your partner/ex-partner, but it may not be helpful. And sometimes that's okay. I needed people I could vent to and they would agree with me that my partner was acting like a complete a-hole, and be mad with me, and at other times I needed people that could actually help me think logically.

#7: Feel the feelings. Tiffany Roe, a therapist in Provo, has a quote: Feel, deal, heal. I love it and I believe it. Sometimes I needed to feel with someone else because the feelings were terrifying. Other times, I needed to feel by myself because I needed to get comfortable with myself, and strengthen my emotional muscles. One thing that I feel like I did well, was adding my body to my whole "feeling" experience. My bike and I became besties, and I processed a lot of grief on long, hard bike rides.

#8: I really tried to hide my sadness from my kids because I didn't want them to feel sad. I wonder if this showed them that if they go through something very difficult, they shouldn’t cry or have a hard time, because their mom didn’t seem to. Those are not the qualities I want my child to learn from me. They probably did, but now that I’m aware, I can do differently from now on. And, there’s always therapy :)

#9: Understand that it is a roller coaster, and you are on the ride, and you are on the ride forever. Whether it’s divorce, or not, this is a lifelong coaster. And sometimes you will be going on the scary part of the roller coaster, and other times you’ll be on top of the world and nothing could be more clear. Take all you can from the ups and downs. I have been divorced for 3 years this month, and I am still sad. It's like this: I remember it hurt so much, and now it's a thought that makes me sad but doesn't take up residence in my brain for long periods of time. It sure did though, for longer than I felt was necessary, and that was an indication to me that I needed someone to help me understand the message. So I'm now working through that - because I want to be a healthy person, and one who my kids respect.

#10: This experience will change you. And that is good news. But I’m so glad I finally understand this: No one can hurt me unless I give them permission to by already believing my fears. It’s like my sister explained: It’s easier to hit someone in a crowd when they have a target on their back. The reason it hurt so bad when Jed told me he didn’t want to be married to me anymore was because I already feared I wasn’t good enough for him. The reason it hurt so bad when my teenage boys moved out to live with their dad, was because I had already believed that their dad was a better parent than me, and they were probably better off with him. I have since learned that I was good enough, I just didn’t believe it, and that was my responsibility to figure out how to change that. And I’m a great mom, and Jed’s a great dad. And they are teenage boys, and they love us both. They are half him, and half me - so I don’t need to be offended when they want to spend time with their dad. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me, or that I’m necessarily doing something wrong (besides the usual mistakes parents make).

#11: (because top ten lists are overrated) When you are ready, be willing to hear things that may hurt you. It's temporary and everything is "figureoutable" as Marie Forleo says. But see what that pain is, work through it, and be kind and compassionate in the process.

Find someone you can help in any way. It does both people wonders.

Codependency

The most painful thing in my life has been the actual thing that I needed. Life is funny how it works that way sometimes.

When Jed and I were thinking about splitting up, he brought up the fact that we had a codependent relationship. I would describe codependence as needing love but trying to meet it through someone or something else instead of yourself or God. I was so mad that he would say that because I prided myself on not needing anything or being able to do things myself. It has taken me 2 years of being single to admit 100% that I was a codependent person because that meant admitting that I "needed" something and couldn't figure out what it was. And it made me unlovable, obviously, because my person didn't want to be married to me anymore.. the person that was technically supposed to love me the most.

To be honest, it was a hard pill to swallow when people would tell me I was worthy and okay how I was because why could everyone else say that or see that, but my own husband couldn't? I can't blame him for not wanting to be married because I honestly didn't even want to be with myself. I was the complete opposite of who I really am in so many ways, and had lost my essence.

I realize now that maybe he did love me the most because he has given me a gift I couldn't have gotten anywhere else - the opportunity to figure out how to be whole. Nothing could have shook me like divorce did, in the way that it happened. Like, I think we may have made a soul contract before we came here that he would help me realize who I was, even if that meant he would want to leave and I would feel abandoned, rejected, and alone. Knowing what I know now, I think I begged him to do it. I assured him I would be fine even though it would be hard. I know this sounds crazy, but I feel it so deep in my soul that it can't be wrong. Yes that meant getting divorced, yes that meant doing a "relationship cleanse" - that painful & bitter drink that cleansed my need for him right out of me. We, the two people who tried the most not to hurt each other, hurt each other the very most.

Don't get me wrong, I believe we as humans need each other. And I believe there is a line where it's too much. I didn't want to be insecure, I wanted to be confident, but I didn't know any other way of doing relationships. I learned somewhere in my life, that "love" meant "need". As in, when I am not receiving love and validation from you, I am empty. I expected love, validation, comfort, the other half of me, etc. from someone that it wasn't fair to ask that from. It wasn't his job, it was mine. And I was doing a sucky job at it btw. Not because I wasn't trying, but I wasn't looking in the right place.

Step 1 was to recognize that this love I was seeking was a true and valid need. Step 2 was to find out how to get that need met. I looked within my own mind, in self care practices such as self compassion, eating clean, meditation, exercise, education, in relationships with other people, in trying to be fulfilled in motherhood, etc. I looked my whole life and always came up not quite reaching it - this something I was looking for. It has been so frustrating and full of so much pain and shame.

My heart is pumping so fast right now, but only because I am so thankful to be on the other side of this. I can see clearly now that Heavenly Father plucked me right out of a situation that I thought was good. Very good, in fact. But He knew it could be better if I could see who I was without the validation from someone else. He basically said, "I will give you what you are looking for. But only I can do that." I can't tell anyone how it feels to be where I have been because my experience will be different than someone else's. I can't describe how much better life is. It's like trying to explain what salt tastes like if someone has never tasted it. It's something that I had to hope for until it was experienced. I wish I could infuse into anyone else that feels this way, a little taste of how just buckling down and admitting codependence so you can figure out a way through it, will be the best thing to happen to you. Because the relationship I have with myself, and with my Heavenly Father is top priority. No other relationships can be healthy without this basic and essential relationship.

But I am here, sitting with a full heart that used to be empty, a mended relationship with Heavenly Father and myself that used to be so confusing, and a resilient spirit that used to be broken.

Codependence has been my journey looking for a truth that I mattered. It had to come from the one who created me. I looked everywhere else. And I had to ask Him who I was and how He felt about me. The world teaches that we have to find our worth within ourselves. I would go a step further and say I had to find it through the grace of God, which I am a recipient of. Codependence has been my demanding and persistent teacher that took me places I didn't want to go. Places I didn't even knew existed. It has taught me that there is no shame in not feeling loved or having a void. It doesn't mean I did something wrong. But also, it has been my experience that the way to get that necessary need met was only through God's love. He wants me to know who I am. He wants me to feel whole and loved. It has taken effort. So much effort. Lots of questions in prayer, pondering, scripture and soul searching, and more honesty than I ever thought I could offer. I have worked so hard and suffered so much. But I have learned that what made this mighty change possible was because of the suffering of Jesus Christ. It says in step 7 of the addiction recovery program that "Even as you feel the pains of your own rebirth, remember that His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a humble reminder of His “great and last sacrifice” on your behalf (Alma 34:14)."

My suffering did not change me, His did.

I gave up trying to control my life. I gave up trying to prove my worth. I gave up the search for meaning. And I gave up the picture of "fairness" and what my life was supposed to look like and gained instead, a peace and surety that God is in charge. I trust Him, I love Him, and He has blessed me more than I ever thought was possible. It would have been easier to blame everything on Jed. But God knew how my heart needed to change. It's a beautiful thing now to say "I need love and I know where to get it." God is my caretaker and where I receive my love and validation. Every other relationship and feeling of love is an extension of His love.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

I have spent the past 2 months preparing for being re-baptized Saturday. I prayerfully selected the speakers and musical numbers, and every word and note brought the Spirit into that meeting so strongly. I am forever grateful for the wonderful friends and family I get to experience life with. Having so many loved ones in the same room at the same time was something I never wanted to end. So many people came from near and far away, and I can't thank them enough. Y'all have been so generous.

I am ready for the continuation of my life but definitely feel like it's a new beginning. I am so thankful for the opportunity to learn more about Jesus Christ and His role in my life. I felt a very strong connection to people that have passed away in this life, and it was mentioned several times throughout the night.

Sometimes I find myself at a loss of words for the blessing of joy and happiness I feel. I have never thought that once I was baptized that life would be easy. But man, it feels so good.