In 2009, I started having questions about certain practices of the LDS church. It wasn't the first time I had questions, but this was the time I decided to figure out the answers even though I was scared. It has been many back and forth feelings as I wrestled with these questions. Specifically, Joseph Smith and polygamy, the temple ordinances, the stance on homosexuality, women and the priesthood… the usual questions people have.

I remember the heartbreak and confusion I felt questioning these things because I loved the gospel. It was my foundation. I loved my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. But I also really felt that Heavenly Father would have been proud of me trying to figure these things out, and many times I felt okay.

I'm not going to say it was divinely led, but it could have been if I would have tackled it in a different way. But I came to a point where I did not include Heavenly Father in my life, in my big decisions, in my marriage, in my parenting. And I missed out. I missed out on feeling that divine love and on serving others because I was so prideful. Even though I have had experiences that have been defining moments to me, I will never know what my life could have been all these years trusting in God’s plan and handing my life over to him.

The details are what took me away but the essence of the gospel, Christ’s love, is what has brought me back.

I decided when someone asked me to come back to church, that it was time I focus on the essentials. I'm not saying I don't have questions still, or that I don't feel absolutely torn with some things, but the difference I have felt in the past six months in my life, is literally night and day. I feel love, hope, and direction. Because of Jesus Christ, I have new moments, new days, new chances...My heart and relationships have been healed. My prayers have been constant, and answered. And my struggles have been made lighter. The things that I have learned about myself throughout all of this have added depth to my life, and helped me become firm where I have been shaky.

I just feel thankful every day that I haven't been forgotten. Everything I have ever wanted from someone else has been fulfilled through my relationship with my Heavenly Father. When I have wanted acceptance, validation, to show and offer love, to be needed, and to know I'm worthy of love from someone else, it was never satisfied. Because that was an inside job, but it was not an inside job that I did alone. Every relationship that needed "fixing", did not happen through that person. It happened through God, and the effects trickled down and made relationships right again.

I have compassion and respect for others on their own path whatever that may be, and I don’t think that this path of being a member of the church is for everyone. It's taken me a long time to reconcile it being right for me but maybe not someone else. But I know it is for me. All I've ever wanted was to feel comfortable in who I am, but the more I tried to figure that out away from the gospel, the more disconnected I was from myself. All of the paths I have taken have converged into one solid road, and I am back home; safe in His love.

Poem

When I say “These people aren’t perfect”, God says “Here, why don’t you try it on for size?”

When I say, “I don’t believe you love me”, he says “How far do you want to fall before you do?”

When I say “Please help me,” he whispers “Help others.”

When I say, “Fix this.” He says, “I already did.”

Recovery

I'm leveling up tonight. I can't decide of it is social suicide, or if it is a deeper connection with others -- Please scroll along if you have no interest or strong judgments in mental illness, addiction, or eating disorder recovery. Carry on 🙂

I'm just here to share my message, I'm not looking for praise, flattery, pity, or advice. I just want to judge a bit less judgier, understand a bit more, and show a bit more compassion to those who struggle so everyone can feel more comfortable being seen by the world instead of hiding.

I have struggled with body image issues and disordered eating since I was very young. There have been times that I haven't really even thought about it, and there have been days like today, that have almost completely paralyzed me emotionally. I have lived for the past while thinking that I am a weakling if I need to reach out to someone for help, but today I wanted to call anyone and just beg them to save me from myself. It is such a desperate feeling, to know the darkness that could take over. I have tried many things to learn how to have a healthy relationship with my body and food. I have participated in workshops, attended counseling, met with dietitians, read oodles of books and articles, and have learned many tools and come to understand things very differently, such as: your bad body thoughts are really never about your body. They are usually about feeling ambivalent about something else in your life.

My most recent attempt to rid myself of this has been to attend the ARP meetings through the LDS church. This has by far been what has linked everything else I have learned together, and been a true source of strength and connection. It has changed my life in ways nothing else ever could. It has healed parts of me and relationships that I have that I didn't think possible. I have learned to say "I need... " and "Please help me", and "I'm struggling" instead of, "I'm fine." Writing this almost makes me dry heave, but guys it's true. We are here for each other. We aren't here to be self isolating superheroes. It doesn't mean I always feel this way or that I am going around begging people for help. It means, I know my limits. And I know when I need to connect. I feel like God is helping me connect my logic with my heart. The knowledge that I am loved with the feeling that I am loved are two very different things. And love or lack of love is what it comes down to.

Here's the thing with this: I can know as much as a scholar about food/dieting/body image issues/etc. But when it really comes down to it, it doesn't matter in the moment because my brain turns off and my emotions take over. And it is terrifying sometimes. Today it was terrifying. I forgot that I would be okay and this feeling of disgust wouldn't last forever, I forgot that I have so many blessings in my life. Because all I could focus on was that I've gained weight, I don't fit into all my clothes comfortably right now, everyone's gonna notice how fat I've gotten, and I deserve it because every terrible food choice I have made since last summer has brought me to this point. And I can't blame it on anyone. So serves me right.

The shame I feel that I feel shame about this is what puts me in this vicious addiction cycle. Because I think, some people have real problems. This is one I've made up in my head. So get over it already Tiff.

But I have learned that this is real for me. And I struggle. And it will probably take me forever to figure this out, but I.AM.NOT.GIVING.UP.

Even though I want to. It is so exhausting. Isn't it amazing the things that are hard for some people, and not hard for others? Sure, I can ride my bike 100 miles, I can finish my degree as a single mom with four kids, I can work and be a mom and whatever else externally, but accepting myself for who I am is my biggest challenge in life. The really hard things for me are getting in a swimsuit when I really want to get in a snowsuit, doing something/anything instead of numbing out or trying to control someone or something else, and acting on my empowerment when I feel like a victim. And mostly, admitting my weakness. Self acceptance is my biggest teacher, knocks me to my knees (sometimes in gratitude, sometimes in absolute despair), and continues to beg of me to learn who I am.

When I woke up this morning, I just wanted to do anything to not be me. And I don't know why Satan wants to be my best friend. But I made also made a choice this morning. I am not going to automatically feel better. I, Tiffany, had to choose to remember that this is where my point of control is: I can sit here and be sad and continue to make choices to keep me in this cycle, or I can make a conscious decision to do the things that will stop the cycle where it's at. Sometimes this means to reach out to someone (believe me when I tell you this almost killed me when I first tried it) that I know loves me (Thanks Mom-mom's are good at that, right?), Sometimes it means doing all the other things that I don't want to, but know I should. Like going for a bike ride, like connecting with someone, like praying, like remembering to get out of my head and serve someone else, like actually being a human being and living in the present moment.

I am going to bed tonight knowing 100% that Heavenly Father heard my prayer this morning. He sent me a random visit from my brother, a conversation with a good friend that helped me realize how much stronger I've become in the last 2 1/2 years, and the courage to admit my imperfections knowing I am still lovable. I'm still working on this last one, but it's okay because I think it's pretty important