People have commented that I'm brave to share some of the things that I do. I haven't ever felt brave, I have just felt that maybe if I am experiencing something, someone else is too and I would have given anything to talk with others about what was going on when I was going through it. Feeling alone is the most terrifying feeling to me. So if one person felt less alone after reading something I have shared, I would be so happy. I don't want to give advice - that's my new pet peeve, when people get on social media and tell other people what to do. Probably because I used to do it when I thought I had something figured out. I'm just trying to bridge a gap in humanity between judgment and compassion. 

 There are a few things I have shared that I still had some shame around, mostly codependency. But everything else was just sharing a lesson I had learned, because I feel like that is the point of an experience. And it's usually "after" the experience that I can share the lesson, not in the middle.

But this is different. What I want to share today has been on my mind for 2 months now. I'm still in the middle of it despite the years of therapy and prayer and professional help. It is just dang hard. And no matter how many times I feel peace and relief that it's not running my life anymore, it COMES back. I look back on pictures when I was riding my bike a lot. I felt so happy and active and fit. The next year I felt like a beached well. No energy, just fighting so hard to stay mentally here. Last year was the best year of my life in so many aspects. January hit, and it was downhill until a few months ago.

FOOD. BODY.

Just typing those words make my beating heart quicken. I feel like I have replayed every emotion, positive or negative, with these words. Why do they have such power over me? Why do I give them so much power? Why can't I be like the people who aren't affected by this, who just eat to live? Why when I feel God's love and know who I am, am I here? Why have I not figured this out yet? I am almost 40! (almost :) Why can I look back at times when this didn't have a strong presence in my life and not be there again? What about last year when I felt like I had control over this aspect of my life am I hitting what feels like rock bottom again? Why, why, why can't I figure this out, and how, how, how do I have a consistent and effortless relationship here and what, what, what do I do now? And what is the balance between self care and doing the daily things that healthy people do, and letting it have less sway in my life because there are some pretty terrible things happening and lots of people to lose myself in serving? And how will I ever be able to be in a relationship with someone else (which would be awesome someday) when I am still struggling so much with this part of myself? And how can I have this much knowledge about something, especially knowing it's not really about food, but about emotions and fear, and I feel at a complete burnout. I don't even want to do anything about it. Like I am in rebellion mode. (diet culture) I'm sure I'm afraid of failing, I feel ashamed that sometimes I feel like someone has possessed me. I am not a person who gives up or sits back and takes nobody's suggestions and just complains. But I am angry that I feel like I am wasting this time obsessing about food and my body when I could be spending time more present with my kids and loved ones. It's a stupid cycle for sure. I'm more angry that I feel like I'm at square one when last year I felt like I was at square million.

I will write more on another post. I feel like it's helpful to know the things other people are carrying. And it's helpful to process, but today's message is just that if you're in this place too, you're not alone.